My struggles and new plan to loose the weight

If you're new here, please read my first two posts so that you're caught up as to why I think Maci is my secrete weapon to weightloss. Thanks!

Okay, so I said I would give you a background on my weight loss struggles and I will. I just don't want to bore you with all the details because the fact-of-the-matter is, almost every women out there has had to, at one time or another, deal with the ugly weight loss issues. That is why the weight loss industry is a multi-billion dollar industry. But here's a little inside to my personal struggles:

I was not an overweight kid and I never struggled with weight until I hit puberty and started going through that awkward, hormonal phase. It was a combination of that and I'm pretty sure the stress of my mom suffering from cancer, that I started to put on weight. From about the age of 13 to 16 is when I gained quite a bit. Again, I wasn't what you would look at as really heavy, just heavy for my age. Anyway, my mom died just before my 16th birthday and I went to live with my dad. I remember getting my drivers license and I was SO excited to drive because my mom left me her car (a great gift although I wish she would have stayed instead) and I remember looking at the picture on my license and literally not recognizing that person in it. Was that me?! I looked awful and fat and knew right then and there that I had to make some changes. That is the only other time I remember feeling the way I feel right now. That it WAS time to change, and nothing or no one would stand in my way!!

Being a young girl at the time and really not knowing what route to take to loose the weight, I got interested in juice fasting because my dad did it on and off just for health reasons and I thought it just seemed like a good thing to try. Now I still believe fasting and cleansing is good for your body from time to time and there are all sorts of healthy ways to go about doing it right. The problem is is that when I was 16 years old, I did it the most UN-healthy way a young girl could. I remember gorging on food on then going for days, sometimes weeks at a time doing what I called "juice fasting". Pretty much all that meant was that I didn't eat any food whatsoever but could drink any juices that I wanted and other liquids that were fat free. I saw such great, instant results by doing this that I got hooked! I would then break my fast and start eating and of course, start putting weight back on. There started my roller-coaster. By the time I was 17, I was looking really good and feeling a lot better about myself (when I wasn't starving) but I had about the most unhealthy outlook on food because of it all. I started putting food on a big pedestal because human nature wants what it can't have, and when I wasn't "fasting" I wanted to eat everything in site! Needless to say, this VERY unhealthy way of loosing weight did make me thin, but COMPLETELY screwed up my metabolism and my hormones. By the time I was 18 I had a pituitary tumor that I had to have surgically removed and I was not having any type of normal menstrual cycles whatsoever. The doctor told me that he was pretty certain that my unhealthy weight losses is what caused this type of tumor and later caused me not to be able to get pregnant for several years. There ended the only way I knew for sure to loose weight that I could count on.

One year after my surgery I met my husband and we were married by 20. I fasted the week before my wedding to drop a couple pounds and then swore I wouldn't go down that road again. As a result, I started to try to eat somewhat normal. Well being newly married and in our own place, I of course started cooking and we started staying in more and yes, eating more. I had also got my desk job right before getting married so now on top of everything, I was also sitting at a desk 8 hours a day. The first five years of our marriage I dieted on all sorts of strange diets on and off and of course would loose a little weight and then I'd gain it back plus some. I was extremely unhappy about my new fat self and extremely insecure as a result. I finally got desperate enough that I did do a big unhealthy juice fast again and this time I didn't eat a thing for 30 days. Yes, I lost some weight (about 20 lbs) and yes, I gained it all back and in the process, further screwed up my metabolism and my tumor grew back. I weighed the most I have ever weighed about seven years ago (size 14-16) and was the most depressed and miserable that I had ever been. I felt desperate and hopeless. That is when I was reading a magazine that talked about loosing weight without dieting but instead by eating what you want. The key was though to only eat if you're truly hungry. What? Wait until I actually feel hungry to eat? I felt like I was eating all the time and didn't even know what hunger felt like. I ate when I was anxious, bored, sad, happy, it didn't matter so this was a new concept for me. Needless to say, I was intrigued, especially since this was a way to loose weight without dieting and by just listening to your body. I immediately got the book and read it and felt excited about this concept of loosing weight. I then ordered the full program and started doing the DVD's and journals. Everything this women said made perfect sense! DIETS DON'T WORK and the problem is not the food, it's US and our attitude towards the food! I to this day, have totally changed the way I view food. I took it off it's pedestal, started buying the good stuff and started to try to change ME, not the food.

Well for the past six years, it has been quite a journey re-learning how to listen to my body, stop eating before I was stuffed to the max, slow down, yaddy yaddy yada, but in the process I have completely changed my metabolism to where I can actually eat again without gaining weight. I did loose some weight in the process as well and went from a size 14/16 down to a size 12. Of course that's a lot better then before and I have really learned how to be a lot happier with myself. I have also gained a lot more self-confidence as well. The problem is, is that I don't want to be stuck at a size 12 my whole life. Obviously, I want to be Maci's size, a size 5 and not because I'm vain or not happy, but because I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of not ever feeling good when I'm in a swim suit. I'm tired of having to adjust my jeans over my big fat roll every time I stand up or sit down. I'm tired of not ever wanting to wear shorts or cute skirts because I don't want to show my legs at all. I'm tired of not feeling sexy for my husband even though he says I am. I'm tired of not wanting to have my picture taken, especially with my beautiful baby boy. All-in-all, I'm just tired of not being the person that God intended me to be and that is healthy and thin; that's how we're all intended to be.

I thank God all the time that I am so fortunate to be an American and live in this great country, but with that comes the American way of eating that we all battle. Fast food on every corner, driving everywhere we go, entertainment that constantly revolves around food- you get my drift. But the difference I have now that I didn't' have 7 years ago, is that I no longer put food on any type of pedestal. I eat what I want, but try to only eat it when I'm hungry. Because I'm not denying myself the good stuff, it's no longer important to me. I have lots of treats and snacks in my pantry and I really could care less. I eat them if I feel like it but with self-control now. My biggest problem is lack of exercise and I need more portion control.

So here is mine and Maci's plan that I told you we "talked" about:

First, I'm going to continue to jog every day. Right now I'm only jogging one mile, but I'm doing it every day and I don't stop. Every two weeks I'm going to try to add another 1/2 mile to it until I'm jogging about 4-5 miles each day. That will be HUGE for me because ever since I was pregnant with my son (who is now two), I haven't worked out at all. Sure I would go on walks here and there, but nothing serious. I had just started to get into jogging before I found out I was pregnant and I LOVED it. I guess I more loved the fact that I never in my life had seen myself as a runner so when I finally was building up to where I could run a mile without dying or my lungs collapsing, I was thrilled to say the least. I've since then had dreams that I've been running and running and never get tired and I know that I have it in me to do it!

Second, I'm going to go back to what that program taught me, which is to only eat if I'm hungry. Truly hungry. Not bored or anxious. It taught me to listen to my body and then when it gave me a hungry signal, really think about what it is it's craving and to eat it, fat, sugar and all. Just slow down, enjoy it, but most importantly, as soon as I start to feel that satisfied (not stuffed) feeling, STOP eating! And if I know I want dessert of some type, make sure I save room to eat dessert. I try to somewhat do all of this now but I have to admit that I have fallen off the track a bit and I definitely have been snacking out of boredom or just for fun a lot of the times. That is where you can PACK on the extra calories without even realizing it! It also teaches to NOT drink sugary drinks because that ups your insulin levels and will screw up your bodies natural hunger signals so you won't truly know when you're hungry. Like I said in my first post, I'm not going to be drinking soda anymore unless it's diet. I do, however, still plan on having coffee in the morning but I will switch to sugar-free creamer.

Third, I plan on trying to consciously be more active in my day to day routines; be it parking a little further from the grocery store doors, running up and down the stairs even if I don't feel like it, going on more walks with my son, stuff like that. And here's where Maci comes into this all: if I ever start to feel like I can't do it, I know she's got my back this time and is there in my front room rooting for me to succeed and taunting me with those size 5 pants that I so badly want to fit into! Every time I go in to see her, she sets me straight and that's something I've never had in my corner before!So to sum up this ridiculously long post, with Maci's help and the support and accountability from others, I plan to finally loose this weight once and for all! Then someday I will post a new picture that shows ME wearing the jeans and looking so good and then maybe I will inspire others as well. Don't worry, I will post daily on my progress, setbacks, workouts, weight loss and exactly what Maci coaches me to do. I will also try to post progression pics whenever possible. So here it goes; we'll see if Maci My Motivational Mannequin, is what will finally kick my rather large butt into shape and be the key and secret weapon that I've been missing all along! Here's to a new me!

p.s. I was debating about eating ice cream tonight so I went in and spent a few minutes with Maci and she changed my mind. Instead I got a big glass of ice water and got on my computer instead. And today is my FIFTH day in a row jogging!! YEAH!!!